A termite walks into a bar and asks: "is the bartender here?"

 

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

 

Chapstick is selling a new product in England. It is the regular Chapstick :with Viagra added to the formulation. : :

Englishmen like it because it helps them keep a stiff upper lip.

 

Why didn't Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force?

Why do airlines call flights nonstop?

Won't they all stop eventually?

Why do bars advertise live bands?

What does a dead band sound like?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

If your feet smell and your nose runs, are you built upside down?

Why do guys wear underpants?

Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?

Why do they call it disposable douche?

Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?

Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?

Why do 'tug'boats push their barges?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why do we have hot water heaters?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?

Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do you weep and sniffle over a TV program and the imaginary Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?

Why don't you ever see baby pigeons?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor?

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"?

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

Is it because of that song?

Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?

Don't you have to get up to get to the tape?

Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

Have ex-bankers become disinterested?

Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?

Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?

Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?

Have ex-punsters been expunged?