Thursday, December 23, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Election quote of the day
Yep, Labor's record is appalling. Other than rebuilding the Austin Hospital, the Women's Hospital, the Children's Hospital, Southern Cross Station, all the regional rail, Victoria's state schools, the M1, the Geelong bypass, the Bendigo Hospital, police stations all over Victoria, the MCG, AAMI stadium and the towns burnt down in the bushfires, they have done nothing. They haven't closed any uneconomical schools, or hospitals in way out places or train lines that only country people use, they have been really slack. They could have made the budget surplus that they have maintained for 11 years even bigger. Best to give that nice Mr Baillieu the job, he really knows how to sell things.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
European Standard Language is coming!
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Thursday, October 21, 2010
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
- Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts"
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
- Jack Handey
I've developed a new philosophy...only dread one day at a time.
- Charlie Brown
I might be in the basement. I'll go upstairs and check.
We adore chaos because we love to produce order.
I don't use drugs; my dreams are frightening enough.
- M. C. Escher
Nobody can get the truth out of me because even I don't know what it is. I keep myself in a constant state of utter confusion.
- Colonel Flagg
There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
- Anon
May we now all rise and sing the eternal school hymn: "Attack. Attack. Attack Attack Attack!"
- Danny Baker
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
- Katherine Cebrian
Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down.
- Collis P. Huntingdon
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
If I ever get rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
- Jack Handey
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.
- Jack Handey
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'
- Jack Handey
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
- Anon
There was an advert I rather liked. Devastated woman: "I’ve just seen the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!" Husband: "Never mind, love, it’s not the end of the world."
- Simon Barnes, "The Times"
"More fun than a barrel of monkeys." Has anyone ever stopped to think how cranky, if not downright vicious, a barrelful of monkeys would be, especially once released from the barrel?
- Tom Shales
"If you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?"
- Jeff Dunham
"When Arizona became a state in 1912, the first man it sent to the United States Senate was a loquacious cowboy called Henry Fountain Ashurst. In his first address to the Senate, Mr Ashurst boasted that Arizona was 'poised to become a veritable paradise.' Only two things were needed, he said: 'Water, and lots of good people'. According to legend, a senator from New England responded, 'If the gentleman from Arizona will forgive me, that's all they need in hell.'"
- Seen in "The Economist"
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
- H. L. Mencken
There are some situations from which one can only escape by acting like a devil or a lunatic.
- George Orwell
"Everyone should have an evil secret plan..."
- Denis Leary
"No matter how cynical I get I just can’t keep up."
- Nora Ephron
Today I can't stand that my gilfriend plays poker online every night for like 5 hours straight and eats in front of the computer. I told her to choose between me and poker. Her answer: "I know you're bluffing." Jinxed!
- Read more Jinxed! quotes at Jinked.org
Never play poker with a man called Doc. Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
- Algren's Law
A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
- Dennis Miller
I was never over-weight, just under-tall. The correct height for my weight at the moment is seven feet ten and a half inches.
- Brendan Grace
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur (anything said in Latin sounds profound).
- Anon
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
- Peter Ustinov
Analysing humour is like dissecting a frog — few people are interested, and the frog dies.
- EB White, "A Subtreasury of American Humor"
~
The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.
- David Richerby
What does Christmas mean if we can't encourage small children to sit on a stranger's lap?
- Ian O'Doherty
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Is somebody not editing what I'm saying here???
I love giving opinions, I've got hundreds.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
I had to hit him : he was starting to make sense.
A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense.
Wanted : Person willing to seal gas leaks with candle. Must be willing to travel.
Mind intentionally left blank...
Did you know, 50% of doctors graduated in the BOTTOM HALF of their class.
The human body was designed by a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?
Once I saw a vegetarian eating a banana. I asked her how would she like it if her skin was ripped off and she was eaten alive.
Better an empty head than an empty bed.
If at first you dont succeed, blame someone else and seek counselling.
This could be entertaining, meaning embarrassing.
There are some people we *want* to offend.
Tact is for people who aren't clever enough to take the p*ss.
Why do you laugh? Change the name, and the story is told of you.
What if there were no such thing as a hypothetical situation?
Women make silly generalisations.
I'd explain it to you, but your head would blow up.
We have only 2 things to worry about: That things will never get back to normal, and that they already have.
Remember the world is a big place. Even if you're one in a million, that means 1000 people in China look exactly like you.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
It's so late it's almost early.
You ever look up the word dictionary in a dictionary? A little hand comes out and smacks you one.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
Speak softly but drive a Sherman tank.
When you have someone by the balls their hearts and minds soon follow.
- Anon
On tonights show we'll also find out if the second amendment protects the rights of cows to carry short range tactical nuclear weapons...
- Diablo in "Diablo Live" (www.goats.com)
"I believe in a reasonable amount of "right to bear arms". But private citizens of the United States are not allowed to own nuclear weapons. I always wanted a nuclear weapon, if I could have gotten one. I'm every other kind of power, but I'm not a nuclear power."
- Ted Turner
I fear this civilization will end not with someone villainous saying "Now your destiny is at hand!" but with someone saying something bureaucratic like "I ain’t authorized to let you use that containment suit here — you can try coming back next week maybe."
- Todd Seavey
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular with what's left of your unit."
- PS Magazine, US Army's preventative maintenance publication, 1993.
If you are completely buried in an avalanche, dig a small hole around you and spit in it. The saliva will fall down, giving you an idea of which direction is up. Dig up.
- A survival tip from the "Worst Case Scenario" calendar
"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil: For I am the meanest SOB in the valley."
"To err is human, to forgive divine. Neither of which is the policy of the US Marine Corps."
- United States Marine Corps slogans
"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."
- George Carlin
"May you come to the attention of the authorities."
- Ancient Chinese curse
Atilla The Hun's Maxim: If you're going to rape, pillage and burn, be sure to do things in that order.
- PJ Plauger, "Programming On Purpose"
When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
- Rodney Dangerfield
I don’t have a drinking problem, except when I can’t get a drink.
- Tom Waits
"Ed, I see you're out drinking again. What's the occasion?"
"I was sober."
- Ed Byrne, on RTE's "The Panel"
Take time with your beer. The pub is not on fire.
We race with our legs not with our beers.
Happy hour is a nice gesture not a challenge.
- Slogans from Dutch Beer Amstel's UK ad campaign
"Hey citrus! Hey liquor! I love it when when you touch each other."
- The Hold Steady, "Citrus"
No guy in the history of America has ordered a Smirnoff Ice at a bar without hating himself a little.
- Jay Black
The esteemed 20th century American journalist HL Macken opined that there were two impossibilities in life: "just one drink" and "an honest politician".
- seen in "The Irish Independent"
According to Snopes.com most money has trace amounts of cocaine on it. Maybe money can make you happy after all.
- Quote spotted on IMAO
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
- Rita Rudner
I was driving on the freeway and I saw a hitch hiker holding a sign that said ’heaven,’ so I hit him he seemed like a nice guy, so he probably made it.
- Stephen Wright
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before
- Stephen Wright
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
- Emo Philips
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.
- Bob Monkhouse
"I'm actually pale blue. It takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white."
- Billy Connolly
A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."
- Stephen Crane
A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
- Unknown
All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm."
- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You"
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'
- Ronnie Shakes
Whenever I hear the word "share" I would reach for a gun if I had one. "Share" is frequently followed by the word "feelings", and I have enough of my own thank you; please do us both a favor and repress yours.
- Stewart Brand
I am all in favour of spontaneity, providing it is carefully planned and ruthlessly controlled.
- John Gielgud, "Forty Years On"
There is not enough time to do all the nothing we want to do.
- Bill Watterson
If I had a Boy Scout I could make a fire by rubbing his hind legs together.
- Robert A. Heinlein, "Friday"
Halloween is the one night out of the year I can offer candy to as many little girls as I please, even right in front of their parents, without anyone giving so much as a second thought to it. I can run around after dark with machetes and chainsaws in hand and not get shot at. Truly a fun holiday for the whole family.
- Wintermute
"One of my most vivid childhood memories: 1987, spring. The seventeen-year cicadas emerge from the ground."
- caption from a "Toothpaste for Dinner" cartoon
I don't intend to offend; I just offend with my intent.
~ Anthrax, Sound of White Noise
I'm a Leo. Leos don't believe in this astrology stuff.
- Tom Neff
Everybody is a potential murderer. I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.
- Clarence Darrow
After an incident in Croydon involving a police van and a concrete mixer, police are looking for eighteen hardened criminals.
~ The Two Ronnies, BBC TV
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's in trouble.
- Dennis Fakes
Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.
~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Give an eight-year old, a bouncer, or a journalist a walkie-talkie and pretty soon scenes from Where Eagles Dare will be re-enated. That was the world we inhabited on Wednesday night.
- Dion Fanning
You Cannot Live as I Have Lived and Not End Up Like This: The Thoroughly Disgraceful Life & Times of Willie Donaldson.
- Jay Nordlinger picks one of his favourite book titles, "National Review"
"We've done a terrible thing."
"Yes, if only there was some magical liquid that could erase bad memories..."
- Alan and Charlie, in the bar, "Two and a Half Men"
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
~ W. C. Fields
Men Wanted for Dangerous Expedition: Low Wages for Long Hours of Arduous Labour under Brutal Conditions; Months of Continual Darkness and Extreme Cold; Great Risk to Life and Limb from Disease, Accidents and Other Hazards; Small Chance of Fame in Case of Success.
~ Sir Ernest Shackleton, explorer
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I don't perspire. Children trust me. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
- In response to the "Anything else" section on an application form
Be wary of strong spirits. It can make you shoot at tax collectors ... and miss.
- Robert A. Heinlein
The Attorney for the Defense will quit referring the Prosecutor as "Demon Spawn from Hell".
- Judge to [anti-choice] [pro-life] attorney David Broderick.
A Sobering Thought: What if, at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential?
<Insert Name> - Alive, occupying space, and exerting gravitational force.
- Anon
It is a sobering thought, for example, that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.
- Tom Lehrer
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!"
- Tom Lehrer
Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?"
Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."
- Rodney Dangerfield
A lock is better than suspicion.
He who gets a name for early rising can stay in bed until midday.
Beauty does not boil the pot.
The wearer best knows where the shoe pinches.
Two shorten the road.
Will you walk with me to take the bare look off me?
The road to a friend's house is never long.
- Irish Proverbs
Love your neighbour, yet pull not downe thy hedge.
- Old English Proverb
They must have clean fingers who would blow another’s nose.
- Danish proverb
To cure sore eyes, kiss a red-head.
Poor folks have poor ways, and rich folk damned mean ones.
- Backcountry proverbs
Wanted: 30 Chinamen and a zeppelin for elaborate joke. Can you help? Call on 555-1249.
~
The time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering!
- Ashleigh Brilliant
There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting.
- George Carlin
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- Woody Allen
I wish I could think of a positive point to leave you with. Will you take two negative points?
- Woody Allen
Worst Month of the Year: February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
- Steve Rubenstein
Where ever you go, there you are.
- Buckaroo Bonzai
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
- Mitch Hedberg
A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the toaster : "I wish the toaster to be happy too"
As you know, Joel, children have always looked up to cowboys as role models. And vice versa.
- Unknown
This person called up and said, "You've got to come and take this seminar. It will completely change your life in just one weekend." And I said, "Well, I don't want to completely change my life this weekend. I've got a lot of things to do on Monday.
- Rick Fields
In fact, one thing that I have noticed... is that all of these conspiracy theories depend on the perpetrators being endlessly clever. I think you'll find the facts also work if you assume everyone is endlessly stupid.
- Brian E. Moore
You deliver a good argument, but speaking personally, I'd rather have an exhibitionist nymphomaniac, especially one who looked like Julie Newmar.
- Jerry Boyajian
Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
- John Kim.
Things ain't what they used to be, and probably never was.
- Will Rogers
To err is human, but it feels divine.
- Mae West.
It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With a hunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. Fourteen times.
- B. Hill
"If you can get your hands on a child ... for ethical research purposes..."
- Ennis, PSYCH 101 @ www.mathnews.uwaterloo.ca
"Our new V6 has the fastest acceleration on icy surfaces on downhill roads in Swedish forests."
- Ennis, PSYCH 101 @ www.mathnews.uwaterloo.ca
Ghetto guy #1: "Who do you think is better, Bernie Mac or Mr. T?"
Ghetto guy #2: "Obviously Mr. T. He uses pronouns more efficiently."
- seen at "Overheard in New York"
Dumb teen: "Hey, look at this! It says 'Train for jobs in beeyotch.'"
Smarter teen: "Fool! That word is biotech. Why you gotta be ignorant all your life?"
- seen at "Overheard in New York"
"I've been doing some research — in real life there is no algebra."
- Audrey, "Twin Peaks"
"Tyra is that you, what are you doing here? "
"Nothing just wishing I could build a time machine and go back and shoot who ever it is that invented Algebra, that’s for sure."
"Well, see that’s kind of a Catch-22, though because in order to invent that time machine you may need to use Algebra."
- Landry and Tyra, "Friday Night Lights"
Without television I would probably be an incredibly literate scholar of 17th century mathematics who is a hit at social gatherings.
- Richard Keller, "TV Squad"
Don’t even ask. This is the best ice cream made in Wisconsin, and it tastes so good because it has gobs of rich Wisconsin cream, tons of real ingredients for boat-loads of luscious flavors. That means it’s not low-fat, low-calorie or low-anything, and that’s why everyone loves it. You want nutrition, eat carrots.
- The "Nutrition Label" seen on ice cream from Madison, Wisconsin
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I
Reality is for people who can't handle science fiction.
Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
- Unknown
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it?
What does 'it' mean in the sentence "What time is it?" ?
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye, then it becomes a scavenger hunt.
Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.
You know my motto: Forgive and uh... the other thing.
A friend is someone you call to help you move. A best friend is someone you call to help you move... a body.
I have an inferiority complex, but it isn't a very good one.
- All Anon
Offering Dragons quarter is no good, they regrow all their parts and come on again. They have to be killed.
- John Berryman
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
- Bruce Graham
We're our own dragons as well as our own heroes, and we have to rescue ourselves from ourselves.
- Tom Robbins
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Bruce Graham
Do not blame God for having created the tiger, but thank Him for not having given it wings.
- Ethiopian proverb
# DEFINITIONS
Alone, adj : In bad company.
TV is a Medium, called so because it is neither rare nor well done..
- Anon
Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
- WC Fields
Puritan : Someone who is afraid that, somewhere, someone else is having a good time.
- H. L. Mencken.
Eloquence : The ability to describe Kim Basinger without using one's hands.
- Michael Harkness
Highbrow : A man who can listen to the William Tell overture without thinking of Robin Hood.
- Niall Tobin
Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.
- P.J. O'Rourke
Mustgo, n. : Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project.
- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
Chicken Soup, n.: An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
A Milli-Helen is the amount of beauty required to launch one ship. A Micro-Helen is the amount of beauty required to motivate one sailor. A Mega-Helen is the amount of beauty required to make the sailor think in any other terms than a one-night stand.
- Some Dubious metrics
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
- Steven Wright
Grief Inflation: Three minute silence for the tsunami rather than usual two.
Competitive Compassion: Trying to outdo others in charitable acts.
Muffin Tops: Girls whose flabby stomachs hang over low-waisted jeans.
- From Collins' online dictionary (2005)
# ANALOGIES
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m.traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m.at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of "Jeopardy!"
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
# BEST COLLEGE APPLICATION EVER
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
# DILEMMAS
The Restaurant Where You Wait Tables Is On Fire! You can only lead one person to safety. You’re in the weeds tonight. There are forty covers waiting to not burn to death, including the older divorcee who has been a regular of yours for years who loves to chat you up for a half hour or more before you even take her order, but there’s also a birthday party crowded with six year olds, but there’s also a two-top of newly-weds, but then again, there’s also a man who says he just found the cure for cancer and before he tells anybody about it he wanted to celebrate with a nice dinner. "I choose to rescue the new waitress whom I have not tried to sleep with yet,” you say. Then you lead her out to the sidewalk where she tells you that she has a boyfriend just before the roof collapses on the screaming patrons.
- seen on "Girls Are Pretty" blogspot
# OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond and I'm a 6' tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the fella sitting next to me is blond and he's a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
49. A seal walks into a club...
48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'
43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
40. 'I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". '
39. 'My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!" '
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster
37.' I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"'
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
35. 'I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions". '
34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
32. 'Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here" '
31. 'So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck". '
30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
29. 'I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?" '
28. 'A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." '
27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
25. 'The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".'
24. 'A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here" '
23. 'A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?" '
22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
21. 'A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything" '
20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
19. 'I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".'
18. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
17. 'When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband". '
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
15. 'There's two fish in a tank, and one says to the other "How do you drive this thing?" '
14. 'A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." '
13. 'I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one". '
12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
11. 'I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite. '
10. 'A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." '
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
5. 'I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"
4. 'A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!" '.
3. 'Dyslexic man walks into a bra...'
2. 'I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.'
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'
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