Pie Heaven

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

 

1. Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

2. Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

3. There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.

4. Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly.

5. Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.

6. Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow.

7. Every time you open your mouth you have this wonderful ability to continually confirm what I think.

8. Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER!

9. Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average office.

10. It's the team that matters. Where would The Beatles be without Ringo? If John got Yoko to play drums the history of music would be completely different.

11. What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Well, in winter time he's got something to eat and he won't die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.

12. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

13. Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.

14. If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.

15. If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.

16. You don't have to be mad to work here! In fact we ask you to complete a medical questionnaire to ensure that you are not.

17. If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them sacked.

18. If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

19. You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.

20. If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

21. Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

22. There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure.

23. Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.

24. Make good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you mainly keep under your desk.

25. Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.

26. If you're going be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.

27. Remember the 3 golden rules: 1. It was like that when I got here. 2. I didn't do it. 3. (To your Boss) I like your style.

28. The office is like an army, and I'm the field general. You're my foot soldiers and customer quality is the WAR!!!

29. Set out to leave the first vapour trail in the blue-sky scenario.

30. Statistics are like a lamp-post to a drunken man - more for leaning on than illumination.

31. A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone else's?

32. Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?....

33. You don't have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be on time, well presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober!!

34. I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some bastard with a torch, bringing me more work.

35. Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.

This quiz consists of four questions that tells you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional. SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS. There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.

 

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the door.
Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your foresight.

 

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking. OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional.

 

4. There is a river that is known to have many crocodiles in it. How do you cross it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Correct Answer: Simply swim across it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting! 

 

That completes the test!

This question tests your reasoning ability. So...

·         If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you're a true professional. Wealth awaits you.

·         If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do but there's hope for you.

·         If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint.

·         If you answered one out of four, try selling your organs. It's the only way you will ever make any money.

·         If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as management, politics, law or medicine.

 

Test Yourself : Are you a Neanderthal?

1. Do your eyebrows meet in the middle? +5

2. Can you lock your knees in an upright position? -5

3. Got a chin? If the answer is no, +3

4. How about a forehead? If not, +3

5. Is it easy for you to balance a book on your head? +5

6. Do you ever open beer bottles with your teeth? +10

7. Are you frequently more comfortable squatting on your heels than sitting in a chair? +5

8. Is your head attached vertically to your neck? If not, +1 for every five degrees of slope.

9. Less than five feet tall? +1 for every inch under.

10. If your lower arm is shorter than your upper arm,+1 for every inch of difference.

11. Ditto for your lower and upper legs.

12. Pigeon-toed? +5

13. Have you ever felt like bashing a postal clerk with a club? You're normal--no points.

14. Is the space between your big toe and your other toes big enough to hold an apple? +5

15. Do you regularly eat apples in this fashion? +15

16. Do people think you're wearing your hair in a bun when you're not? +10

17. Can you count your vertebrae while wearing two sweaters and an overcoat? +5

18. Is your nickname "Duke", "Butch", or "Animal"? +3

 

Scoring

0-20 points: You are a virtually pure homosapien. Feel free to build bridges, compose symphonies, and overrun the world.

20-40 points: A slight Neanderthal strain means that you will occasionally have spells of primitive behavior, crawling around on all fours and whooping wildly. If you live in California, no one will notice.

40-60 points: You can still function quite well in the modern world, but avoid eating in fancy restaurants lest your table manners give you away.

60-80 points: Your Pleistocene heritage is predominant. You should consider a career in pro football.

80-100 points: Unfortunately, your genetic makeup is Grunt City; there is no place for you in human society. A career in politics is recommended.

 

DLY PACKED KEBAB - a vulgar but excellent term for the

 

BADLY PACKED KEBAB - a vulgar but excellent term for the femalegenitalia.

 

BRITNEY SPEARS - Modern Slang for 'beers'. e.g. 'Couple of Britney's please, Doreen'.

 

MUMBLER - an attractive girl in tight shorts, jeans, etc. e.g. 'You can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.'

 

BRUCE LEE -erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).

 

BEER SCOOTER - the ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it. e.g. 'I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter'.

 

BUNNY-BOILER - an unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the rabbit boiling scene in the film 'Fatal Attraction'. e.g. 'I don't like the look of that aeroplane blonde - could be a bunny boiler'.

 

DRINK-LINK - a modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the lash.

 

JOHNNY-NO-STARS - a young man of substandard intelligence, the typical

 

adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

 

NELSON MANDELA - Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).

 

ONE IN THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE - the need to defecate imminently.

 

PEARL HARBOUR - cold (weather). e.g. 'It's a bit Pearl Harbour out there!' Meaning - there's a nasty 'nip' in the air.

 

RAGMAN'S COAT - untidy and unkempt pubic hair. e.g. 'That mumbler looks quite fit but I bet she's got a kebab like a ragmans coat!'

 

RELEASE A CHOCOLATE HOSTAGE - to defecate. e.g. ' I've got one in the departure lounge, so I'm just nipping out to release a chocolate hostage'.

 

SALAD DODGER - an excellent phrase for an overweight person.

 

SKIN-CHIMNEY - see BADLY PACKED KEBAB.

 

SWAMP-DONKEY - a deeply unattractive woman.

 

TART FUEL or BITCH PISS - bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.

 

UP ON BLOCKS - menstruating. i.e. Out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. 'I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks'.

 

WALLACE AND GROMIT - Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.

 

WYNONA RYDER - Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e.g. 'Pint of Wynona, half aNelson and a bottle of tart fuel please Doreen'.

 

Walnut Recipe

 

Crisp Sugared Walnuts

 

4 cups water

2 cups walnuts

6 tbs sugar

¼ tsp salt

1 tbs peanut or corn oil (I have also used sesame oil – ½ tsp as it has strong taste)

 

Bring a pot of water to full boil; add walnuts, remove from heat and set aside for 3 minutes (I leave them on heat for about 1 minute but no longer as the oils are removed from the nuts) Drain and pat dry (I just leave in colander for about ½ minute as they quickly drain)

 

While nuts are hot, toss evenly with sugar, salt, oil mixture to coat (I microwave this mixture for about 1 minute to heat sugar so it coats nuts more easily)

 

Spread nuts in 1 layer on tray lined with baking paper; allow the nuts to dry for one hour (important step otherwise they don’t crisp)

 

Bake stirring occasionally (325 F oven preheated) for 8-10 minutes until golden brown (keep an eye on them as they burn quickly)

 

Remove and cool; store in airtight container; keep for several weeks

 

Enjoy!!!