guess what is on my blogspot!: July 2011

All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and UNLIMITED POWER for life.
Veni, vidi, velcro: I came, I saw, I stuck around.
Veni, Veni Veni!!! (figure it out yourself)
Cognito, ergo spud: I think, therefore I yam.
A sucking chest wound is nature’s way of saying slow down.
Diplomacy: First listen to sermon, THEN eat missionary.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something surreal.
If you can't say anything nice, come sit next to me. (Alice Longworth Roosevelt)
Open the restroom door HAL, HAL… I’m not kidding, HAL…
Vegetarians eat vegetables. Beware of Humanitarians.
Reality is just a crutch for those who cannot handle Science-Fiction!
Me… a skeptic? I trust you have proof.
What’s mine is mine. What’s yours is negotiable.
Life is as easy as 3.141592653589…
You're not prejudiced if you hate everybody equally.
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
I had my car's alignment checked. It's chaotic evil.
First Rule of Genetics: chastity is not hereditary.
The Earth is but a tiny grain of sand--only much, much heavier.
2+2 = 5 for very large values of 2.
I don't believe in miracles... I RELY on them.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If you can't say something nice, say something surreal.
In plumbing, a straight flush is better than a full house.
War doesn't determine who's right, only who's left.
A clear conscience is usually the result of bad memory.
You must be from the shallow end of the gene pool.
My mind’s not twisted.. just bent in several strategic places.
I don’t suffer from insanity… I enjoy every minute of it.

Never argue with a man carrying a water-buffalo.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
"Never make life or death decisions when you are suicidal."

- Jay Billington Bulworth

"Life is full of little surprises." - Pandora

Pessimism
100,000 lemmings can't be wrong.
A rose by any other name still has thorns.
Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another.
Don't take life too seriously, it's not permanent.
Equality of the sexes leaves women standing on buses.
Forget Love I’d rather fall in chocolate.
Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
There is no Gravity; the world sucks.

Religious humor
A black hole is God dividing by zero...
A life without God is like a fish without a bicycle.

And God said: E = (1/2)MV^ 2 - (Ze ^ 2)/r, and there was light!
And then God said, No, a BUD light!
Apes evolved from Creationists!
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Do Zen Druids practice transcendental vegetation?
Dyslexic atheists believe there is no Dog
Evolution is God's way of issuing updates.
GOD is Real... unless declared as an Integer.
Is this chair saved? No, but we're praying for it.
Jesus saves... passes to Moses... he shoots... he scores!!!!
Jesus saves sinners, and redeems them for valuable cash and prizes!
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
That was Zen, this is Tao.
There's a sucker born again every minute.
I'm a none-practicing agnostic.

Exclamations
2 wrongs don't make a right - but 3 lefts do!
98% of all dead owls don't give a hoot!
aaawoOOoggggaaaa! ... aaawoOOoggggaaaa!.... DIVE! DIVE!!!
ACME Space and Explosives - We can put anything in orbit!!!
Anybody who thinks I'm strange ought to meet you!
Beware of quantum ducks--Quark, quark!
California Raisins murdered by Cereal Killer! Film at 11
Carpe DM: Seize the Dungeon Master!!!
Clones are people two!
Don't blame me. I voted for Bill and Opus!
Don't just DO something, STAND THERE!
Don't play "stupid" with me ... I'm better at it!
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Lysdexics of the world, untie!
Everyone has photographic memory, but some have no film
Gravity isn't MY fault--I voted for Velcro!
Hard work has a future pay-off. Laziness pays off now!
"I am your mother, Luke!"
"I intend to live forever--or die trying!" (Blake’s 7)
I tried to contain myself, but I escaped!
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality!
Improve mail delivery .. mail postal workers their pay!
Individualists of the world, unite!
It's a small world, but I'd hate to have to paint it!
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you!
Math problems? Call 1-800-[5E1* (9^2+18/3)+49^(1/2)
"Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more, say no more!"
Put the dog out?? I didn't know it was burning!!
Pyromaniacs of the world, ignite!

Questions
Hot water heaters--why do you need to heat hot water?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot 'em??
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
Where does the light GO when it goes out?
Where does the white go when the snow melts?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does the AT&T logo look like the Death Star?
Why get even, when you can get odd?
Why is common sense the least common of all senses?
Why is the anarchy symbol always drawn the same way?
Why isn't "phonetically" spelled that way?
Why isn't there another word for "thesaurus?"

Others
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

guess what is on my blogspot!

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

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