What do you call cheese thats jnot yours? Nacho cheese
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw Mr Green Pea over the fence.
3 blokes walked into a bar, you reckon one of them would have seen it!
Did you hear about the bloke with dyslexia? He walked into a bra.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
Two elephants walk off a cliff...
boom, boom!
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think it’s Colin.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
one off.
Two aerials meet on a rooftop – fall in love – get married.
The ceremony was crap but the Reception was brilliant.
A man walked into the doctor’s, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places."
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore."
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
This is the same bloke who was an athiest and spent his whole life wondering if there really is a dog
Q. What does DNA stand for?
A. National Dyslexic Association.
Q. What does Jack the Ripper have in common with Winnie the Pooh?
A. The same middle name.
As I walked into my local pub I stood in a pile of a dog poo & fell over. About a minute later a bloke walked in & also stood in the dog poo & fell over. I approached him & said, 'I just did that' & he belted me!
A duck walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and says "Do you have any grapes?". The bartenders says "No, sorry, we dont have any grapes" and the duck walks out.
The next day the duck walks into the bar again, walks up to the bartender and says "Do you have any grapes?". The bartenders says "No, sorry - we still dont have any grapes!" and the duck walks out.
On the third day the duck walks into the bar again, walks up to the bartender and says "Do you have any grapes?". The bartender is getting annoyed now, and says "No, we dont, we dont have any grapes! Stop coming in here asking if we have grapes". The duck walks out.
The next day the duck walks into the bar again, walks up to the bartender again and says "Do you have any grapes?". The bartender is furious, says "Right, thats it. We dont have any grapes and if you come in here again I am going to nail your feet to the floor do you understand?" The duck walks out.
The next day the duck walks into the bar again! Walks right up to the bartender and says "Do you have any nails?" Confused, the bartenders says "No". The duck says "Do you have any grapes?".
